Austin Mitchell MP:
News Flash. Now government is being turned into a front organisation for The Sun implementing Rupert's policies, principles and economics, three new initiatives are to be announced to show that New Labour has, after all, a sense of purpose.It is wrong that it sounds almost believable, right? I'm not deluding myself?
One. Following John Major's exciting Cones Hot Line, the Judges' Hot Line with call points in every court will allow consumers and observers of judicial softness to register their complaints, have sentences doubled and judges chastised.
Two. The extension of Pay and Display to all graveyards will provide an extra source of revenue for local government. Private contractors will be authorised to dig up and impound stiffs that fail to display and overstayers.
Three. The names and addresses of all convicted paedophiles in each ward will be automatically provided for a fee to all parents, vigilante groups and branches of the National Front. Paedophiles will be identified by a large yellow phallus sewn on all clothing. Stocks and ducking stools will be made available by the private sector for their treatment on PFI contracts.
All three policies will be registered with the new Policy Patenting Bureau to prevent political larceny by the Conservatives.
Working late, yup, in the office, I just love the summer...